Jul. 27th, 2006

idontreallyspar: (Grace Hat)
[locked from all those without APO security clearance]

When I was a kid I used to have this dream I was being chased. Running through the streets of my hometown, there’d be something on my tail. I could never look back to see it...to be sure...the fear of whatever was stalking me was just too paralyzing, too intense. I could just...feel it behind me. A splash of a footfall against wet pavement, a soft gasp of air from my back...it was all I had to know that I was running from something, and I was sure that if it caught me, I’d be worse than dead.

I started having that dream when I was really little...six years old, maybe. Always scared the shit out of me, because I didn’t know what was after me. I stopped having the dream, of course...but life goes on, shit happens, and you think about things. You evaluate your life, and you wonder if you could have done things different, the usual bullshit.

You look back at things you saw and heard...things you did...and you wonder if you could have avoided things by paying a bit more attention.

I sometimes find myself wondering if that dream wasn’t some kind of foreshadowing...if things would have been different if I’d listened, avoided certain things.

I used to have regrets, thinking stuff like that...until I started working my latest assignment here at APO. Being here...meeting people like Rachel Gibson...*especially* Rachel Gibson...it’s done a lot to change my thinking. I always believed somewhere deep down that if I stopped mourning the past, I’d forget it...I’d be turning my back on who I was...who I used to be.

Rachel made me realize I was wrong...it’s ‘cause of her I’m still here, and it’s ‘cause of her I realize that there’s nothing wrong with turning away from the past. It just means you’re looking in another direction. If you’re smart, you’re looking to the future...and if you’re lucky, you’re looking around at the present because it’s something worth paying attention to.

The future’s all well and good...but with Rachel here, I think the here and now is a little more appealing.


Muse: Thomas Grace
Fandom: ALIAS
Words: 368
idontreallyspar: (Grace Bar)
If I could change history...I’d have been there instead of her.

The day my wife died...she was in the wrong place at the wrong time, a place *I* should have been in instead. I should have been there...been *with* her. But I wasn’t...and I lost the first good thing I’d had since my childhood as a result.

The stuff that happened before the Agency...I don’t talk about it. I can’t. But my wife was the one bright spot I had...quite possibly the *only* bright spot I had. If I’d been there, I’d have been dead...I know that. And in spite of everything...my life now, and even Rachel...

She was an innocent. A complete innocent...she didn’t choose the life I lead. She didn’t even know who I really am. She knew nothing, did nothing but good things...she drove me crazy and she was no saint, but in a crunch, she had the most ungodly ability to make the right choice no matter what. She did the right thing without even thinking when it came down to the nitty gritty of things...and she died for no reason.

I can kill without remorse, maim and torture without batting an eyelash...it’s part of my job. Innocent people do die in this business all the time, it’s a hazard.

But my wife’s death...that one innocent casualty...that’s one I’ll never be able to shake off my conscience completely.

Because she wasn’t a casualty of war...nothing was gained from her death. She had nothing but me to die for...and even with Korman dead, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying and failing to make sense of the whole fucked up thing.

Muse: Thomas Grace
Fandom: ALIAS
Words: 291


idontreallyspar: (Default)

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